Heart? HEART? They get fire, wind and water, I get fuckin' heart? What a rip-off! Why can't I get any of the flashy powers and stuff.Heart? Are you kidding me? What a fucking coup! I mean, you can't do anything with heart. Ma-ti: Mine.is HEART! I can sense you all. NC (voiceover): But what about Ma-ti? What's his magic power? NC: What, I get hit in the head with a ruler every time I say. NC: Oh, I see, every time Wheeler says "fire," a giant flaming fireball pops out? Man, how lame is that? That's like me getting hit in the head with a ruler every time I say it. Ma-ti: WHEELER! Don't say "fire" until you mean it! Wheeler: Lotta good that'll do us in a firefight!Īt the word "fire", his ring activates, setting their craft on fire (imitating Tony Danza, kicked in the nuts) Hey, yo, who kicked me in the nuts? (normal) Each of them are given a magic ring which controls one of the Earth's elements, like Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire. NC (voiceover): It's like if Tony Danza got kicked in the nuts and was looking around for the guy who did it. NC (voiceover): I mean, the other characters are passable, but this guy's just obnoxious. One minute, I'm a kid from Brooklyn, the next minute, I'm some sorta cut-rate superhero. Wheeler: You know, this has been a very weird day. NC: Wheeler? WHEELER? Some parent was actually cruel enough to name their kid Wheeler? The only Wheelers I know about are the Wheelers from Return to Oz, and the further I stay away from them, the better. Kwame, from Africa, Gi, from Asia, Linka, from the Soviet Union, Ma-ti, from South America, and Wheeler, from North America. NC (voiceover): So she sends out five magic rings to five teenagers. Gaia: It's those poor, silly humans again. NC (voiceover): After she wakes up, she sees those poor silly humans who are destroying the Earth. Soothing music and the words "Essence of G.A.I.A." in fancy text are used to drive the point home Is it me, or does it look like she's always in a perfume commercial? The whole story starts when the Earth spirit, Gaia, is awakened from her Earthly slumber. NC (voiceover): Well, that's the cliffnote version anyway. When the five powers combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion, Captain Planet. She sends five magic rings to five special young people. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet. Narrator (LeVar Burton): Our world is in peril. But hell, I'm gonna let Geordi from Star Trek tell you, anyway. NC: Now for those of you who don't know the infamous story of Captain Planet, consider yourselves very fortunate. NC (voiceover): So we kept watching Captain Planet, much to our everlasting shame. Wheeler: He's an exterminator's nightmare! I think the only other thing that was on was (clip of.) Beakman's World, and God knows how much I don't wanna be willingly educated by a Brooklyn scientist and a giant rat. So why did we keep watching this shit if it was so bad? Honestly, because there was nothing else that was on in this time slot. That's a pretty long time by kids' show standards. NC (voiceover): I mean, this show was on for four seasons. Nobody liked it, nobody listened to what it had to say.so why did we keep watching it? NC: This show was awful, and I mean AWFUL. This environmental pigshit was designed to make kids more aware of the environment and tell them all the things that they CAN do to save the environment, but most likely won't. #Captin planet seriesWell, before Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth, there was Ted Turner's inconvenient cartoon series known as Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
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